🔗 Share this article Navigating my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship As a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, mostly pleasurable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship that lasted four years, but it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I start to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men again. Questioning the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, often causing significant heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire another man to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I fear the psychological toll this might create. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused. Every person’s intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. What you need in your current state may well change in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person who provides a life-changing chance for you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over the future and playing endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the worth of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know. The psychotherapist practices as a American therapy professional who specialises in treating intimacy issues.